English Humor Part 13

What Do You Need Most?“Now, Madam,” said the salesman after showing his company's products, “What do you need most at home now?”“Money, sir,” the woman said with no hesitation.　Meat for the DogAfter the family had finished their dinner in a restaurant, father called over the waiter. “My son has left quite a lot of meat on the plate,” he said. “Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?”“But, Dad,” shouted the son, “have we got a dog?”　I Have Stopped DrinkingA man always went to the same bar at the same time every day and asked for two glasses of beer. He drank them and then asked for two more.One day the man behind the bar said to him, “Why do you always ask for two glasses of beer? Why don't you get one big glass instead?”The man answered, “Because I don't like to drink alone. I drink with my friend.”But a few days later the man came in and asked only for one beer.“Oh,” said the barman, “has your friend died?”“Oh, no,” said the man. “He is very well. This beer is for him. But I have stopped drinking beer. My doctor doesn't want me to drink any more because it is dangerous for me.”　The Clever HusbandMr. and Mrs. Brown lived in a small house near London with their child. Sometimes Mrs. Brown came back from work very late, when his wife and child were asleep, and then he opened the front door of his house with his key and came in very quietly.But one night when he was coming home late, he lost his key, so when he reached his house, he rang the bell. Nothing happened. He rang it again. Again nothing happened “—” nobody moved inside the house. Mr. Brown knocked at the bedroom window, he spoke to his wife, he shouted, but she did not wake up. At last he stopped and thought for a few seconds. Then he began to speak like a child. “Mother!” he said, “I want to go the lavatory!” He spoke quite quietly but at once Mrs. Brown woke up. Then he spoke to her, and she opened the door for him.　The Effective of AdvertisementSome businessmen were talking about advertising on TV excitedly. As none of them had ever done it before, every one had his point of view. At this moment, Mr. Grey came by. Grey was a car dealer and he had once made an advertisement.“What are you talking about?” Mr. Grey asked.“Does advertisement work or not?” one of the businessmen asked.“Oh, yes, it works very fast,” Mr. Grey said. “I once advertised for my watch-dog and offered a reward of $ 100.”“Did you get the dog back?”“No, but that very night three of my cars were stolen.”　“A Sponge”“I had an operation,” said a man to his friend, “and the doctor left a sponge in me.”“That's terrible!” commiserated the friend. “Got any pain?”“Nah—but I do get thirsty!”　Why Was He Fired?Boss: Go to my office and get this week's pay. You are fired.Worker: But why? I haven't done anything?Boss: That's why you are fired.　Doing Shopping Too EarlyIt was Christmas Day but the judge was still very busy in the court. He was now questioning a prisoner.“What are you charged with?” he said.“Doing my Christmas shopping too early,” replied the prisoner in a sad voice.“That's no offence,” said the judge. “How early were you doing your shopping, then?”“Before the shop opened,” was the prisoner's answer.　Nineteen or Thirty-eight?A secretary was telling her office mates about her birthday party.“You should have seen the cake,” she boasted. “It was marvelous. There were nineteen candles——one for each year.”“Nineteen candles,” meowed a colleague. “What did you do, burn them at both ends?”

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