自爱和孤独：破解自负和傲慢 学会自爱、学会自我欣赏

自爱和自负的区别在那里？自爱的人爱上的是自己，而自负的人爱上的则是自己的影子。自负者的信心来自于不断的攀比，当孤独来临，无可对比时，自负者的傲慢的外壳将被碾得粉碎。只有真正懂得爱自己的人，才能从容地面对孤独。

love and aloneness - unravelling the ego and pride

there is a most bizarre word the media and the psychologists have begun to use to describe loneliness in our societies: they say it has become an epidemic. an epidemic! a description normally reserved for extremely prevalent and widespread diseases – that is what this state of mind has become.

and the statistics back it up. a third of the citizens of many civilized countries admit to suffering from extreme loneliness. and the impact on our physical health - one study reported that isolated men were 25% more likely to die than those in a relationship, and the women 33% more likely.

why is loneliness so painful? there are many reasons – but there is one in particular i’m starting to notice. loneliness is a curse because we don’t know who we are - and that is our basic anxiety. when you are alone, all your self knowledge, your identity, your personality - your ego begins to unravel. the deeper into your aloneness you go, the more you see all your self-knowledge as they are – false.

and it is scary – what you have known your entire life - false! it is so scary that much of our culture is based around this fear. social clubs, associations, political parties, and even cafés – they all exist for one thing: so one can avoid being alone. and what if we are by ourselves? then we turn to music, alcohol, the television, the internet – all to avoid being in our own company.

but the strange thing is – losing our false identity, it is a blessing. it can be scary, yes, but when we turn around and face it - when we turn our loneliness into aloneness –that is when we begin to experience what is real.

when you are alone, everything that you have disowned, everything that you refuse to accept or acknowledge – they begin to arise. we begin to truly know ourselves, to see the genuine. and that is not something that can be told - it has to be experienced.comparison – the unravelling of the self

the first thing we have to know is - when we are in a crowd, we think we know who we are. you are american, vietnamese, indian. why? because you look around and there are people who look different. everyone calls you by your name, so that is who you are. everyone acknowledges your title, your job description – they call you mister, missus, madam, doctor, reverend, and that is what you think you are.

you are beautiful, because those around you are ugly. you are tall, because your neighbours are short. you are poor, because they live in mansions. you are rich, because some live in cardboard boxes.

but who you are, is not any of these. as osho said - your heart is neither european nor african, tall nor short, poor nor rich. who you are is beyond these little labels.

and when you are completely alone, there is no one to compare to. there is no false standard to measure yourself by – and that is when all these labels and false layers start to unravel. your identity, your very personality, begins to disappear.

and all our lives, that is who we think we are. our identity card, our driver’s license, and our passport. our history, our descriptions, and our reputations. our jobs and our accomplishments. and when that falls away…some people feel it a form of death. and in a way, it is.

what is left? the genuine. i can’t describe it - i haven’t gone there yet. but the deeper i have gone, the more i realise how beautiful it is. to go completely into aloneness, to find the real – i can’t think of anything i’d want more.