我就是火女神
When I was eight years old, I saw a movie about a mysterious island that had an erupting volcano and lush jungles filled with wild animals and cannibals. The island was ruled by a beautiful woman called Tondalaya, the Fire Goddess of the Volcano. It was a terrible low budget movie, but to me, it represented the perfect life. Being chased by molten lava, blood thirsty animals and savages was a small price to pay for freedom. I desperately wanted to be the Fire Goddess. I wrote it on my list of things to be when I grow up, and I asked my girlfriend if Fire Goddess was spelled with two “D”s.
Through the years, the school system did its best to mold me into a no nonsense, responsible, respectable citizen, and Tondalaya was forgotten. My parents approved of my suitable marriage and I spent the next 25 years being a good wife, eventually the mother of four, and a very respectable responsible member of society. My life was as bland and boring as a bowl of oatmeal. I knew exactly what to expect in the future. The children would grow up and leave home, my husband and I would grow old together, and we'd baby-sit the grandchildren.
The week I turned 50, my marriage came to a sudden end. My house, furniture and everything I'd owned was auctioned off to pay debts I didn't even know existed. In a week I had lost my husband, my home and my parents who refused to accept a divorce in the family. I'd lost everything except my four teenage children. I had enough money to rent a cheap apartment while I looked for a job or I could use every penny I had to buy five plane tickets from Missouri to the most remote island in the world, the big island of Hawaii. Everyone said I was crazy to think I could just run off to an island and survive. They predicted I'd come crawling back in a month. Part of me was afraid they were right.
The next day, my four children and I landed on the big island of Hawaii with less than $2,000, knowing no one in the world was going to help us. I rented an unfurnished apartment where we slept on the floor and lived on cereal. I worked three jobs scrubbing floors on my hands and knees, selling macadamia nuts to tourists and gathering coconuts. I worked 18 hours a day and lost 30 pounds because I lived on one meal a day. I had panic attacks that left me curled into a knot on the bathroom floor shaking like a shell-shocked soldier.
One night as I walked alone on the beach, I saw the red orange glow of the lava pouring out of Kilauea Volcano in the distance. I was wading in the Pacific Ocean, watching the world's most active volcano, and wasting that incredible moment, because I was haunted by the past, exhausted by the present and terrified of the future. I'd almost achieved my childhood dream but hadn't realized it, because I was focused on my burdens instead of my blessings. It was time to live my imagination not my history. Tondalaya, the Fire Goddess of the Volcano had finally arrived.
The next day, I quit my jobs and invested my last paycheck in art supplies and began doing what I loved. I hadn't painted a picture in 15 years, because we barely scratched out a living on the farm in Missouri, and there hadn't been money for the tubes of paint, and canvas and frames. I wondered if I could still paint or if I had forgotten how. My hands trembled the first time I picked up a brush. But before an hour had passed, I was lost in the colors spreading across the canvas in front of me. I painted pictures of old sailing ships and as soon as I started believing in myself, other people started believing in me, too. The first painting sold for $1,500 before I even had time to frame it.
The past six years have been filled with adventures. My children and I have gone swimming with dolphins, watched whales and hiked around the crater rim of the volcano. We wake up every morning with the ocean in front of us and the volcano behind us. The dream I had more than 40 years ago is now reality. I live on an island with a continuously erupting volcano. The only animals in the jungle are wild boars and mongooses and there aren't any cannibals. But often in the evening, I can hear the drums from native dancers on the beach.
I'm free for the first time in my life. I am Tondalaya, the Fire Goddess of the Volcano, spelled with two “D”s and I'm living happily ever after.
八岁的时候，我看了一部电影：在神秘的岛屿上有一座喷发的火山和葱茏的丛林，丛林里有许多野生动物与食人族。统治岛屿的美丽女子是火山的火女神，名叫彤达拉雅。那是部糟糕的低成本电影，然而对我而言，它表现了完美的人生。受熔岩浆、嗜血动物和野人追逐是换取自由的一个小小代价。我极度渴望成为火女神。我将此列入长大之后要成为的清单中，并问女友火女神的写法是否有两个“D”。
多年过去，学校教育将我塑造成一个正统、负责、可敬的公民，我忘记了彤达拉雅。父母满意我那门当户对的婚姻，随后25年我成为一名好妻子，是四个孩子的母亲，是可敬而负责的社会一员。生活平静乏味得像碗燕麦粥。未来于我了然于胸：儿女长大、离家，与丈夫白首偕老，带养孙子孙女。
在我50岁的那个星期，婚姻突然结束了。房子、家具、我拥有的一切全给拍卖掉，用来偿还那些我从未知晓存在过的债款。一周之内我失去了丈夫、家园以及父母――他们对家里出现离婚心存抗拒。除了我四个年少的孩子，我失去了一切。我的钱够用来在找工作的同时租一所廉价公寓，或者我可以倾尽积蓄买五张机票从密苏里飞往天涯海角――夏威夷的大岛。人人都认为我打算逃到一个岛上还认为能够活下去的想法太荒唐了。他们预测不用过一个月，我准会爬着回来。我隐隐地害怕他们是对的。
次日，四个孩子与我登上夏威夷的大岛，带的钱不足两千美元，明白这世界上无人能够帮助我们。我租下一间没有家具的公寓，我们睡在地板上，以谷物为粮。我有三份工作：跪擦地板、向游客兜售澳洲坚果、采集椰子。我每天工作18个小时，由于一天只吃一顿，体重下降了30磅。焦虑侵袭着我，我蜷曲在浴室的地板上，抖得像个患了炮弹震荡症的士兵。
一天夜晚，我走在沙滩上，看到远处乞劳伊阿火山喷出橙红色的岩浆。我正在太平洋岸趟水，观看着世界上最活跃的火山，然而我却白白地浪费了这精彩的一刻，因为过去让我挂怀，现在让我疲惫，而未来又让我惧怕。我只看到重担而没看到幸福，所以毫没意识到自己几乎已经实现了童年的梦想。那一瞬间，我忘记了往昔，想象再次苏醒了！彤达拉雅――火山的火女神――终于到来了。
第二天，我辞去工作，把最后一笔薪水全花在艺术用品上，开始做起自己喜欢的事情来。15年以来我不曾画过一张画，因为在密苏里农场我们只是勉强糊口谋生，何况还没有钱买颜料、画布和画框。我怀疑自己是否还能画，怀疑是否还记得怎么画。第一次拿起画笔时，我的手都颤抖起来。还没到一个钟头，我就给涂在面前画布上的色彩弄得不知所措起来。我画的是古老的船只，等我渐渐拾起自信时，别人也开始对我有了信心。第一张画我还没来得及装框就卖出了1500美元。
过去的六年充满了冒险经历。孩子们与我和海豚一起游泳，观看鲸鱼，攀登火山口。每天早晨醒来，我们的前方是大海，后方是火山。我40多年前的梦想如今化为现实。我居住的岛上火山不断喷发，森林中只有野猪、猫鼬，没有食人族。而傍晚时分，我常常能听到土著在海滩上跳舞的鼓声。
有生以来我第一次感到如此自由自在。我就是火山的火女神彤达拉雅，名字的写法是两个“D”，而且从此以后我一直幸福地生活着。
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