甜蜜爱情的十大禁忌(2)

　　Nobody in a truly happy partnership is afraid of breaking up. If you are, that's a big warning sign that something's wrong. But often, what's wrong is the fear itself. Not only does it betray a lack of trust, but it shows a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem ― you're afraid that there's no good reason for someone to want to be with you, and that sooner or later your partner will “wise up” and take off. So you pour more energy into keeping up the appearance of a happy relationships than you do into building yourself up as a person. Quite frankly, this isn't going to be very satisfying for you, and it also isn't going to be very satisfying for your partner.

　　7. You're dependent

　　There's a thin line between companionship and support and dependency. If you depend on your partner ― that is, if you absolutely cannot live without her or him ― you've crossed that line. The pressure is now on your partner to fill whatever's missing in you ― a pressure s/he will learn to resent. If you expect your partner to bring everything while you bring nothing to your relationship ― and I'm talking finances as well as emotional support, here ― you're in trouble. （Note: I'm not saying that you need to contribute equally to household finances ― what I'm saying is that if you're not contributing to the household budget, and you're not contributing anywhere else, things are out of whack and that's never good.）

　　8. You expect Happiness

　　A sign of a bad relationship is that one or both partners expect either to make the other happy or for their partner to make them happy. This is not only an unrealistic expectation to lay on yourself or on them ― nobody can “make” you happy, except you ― but it's an unrealistic expectation to lay on your relationship. Relationships aren't only about being happy, and there's lots of times when you won't and even shouldn't be. Being able to rely on someone even when you're upset, miserable, depressed, or grieving is a lot more important than being happy all the time. If you expect your partner to make you happy ― or worse, you're frustrated because you aren't able to make your partner happy ― your relationship isn't going to fare well when it hits a rough spot.

　　9. You never fight

　　A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly normal part of a human's emotional make-up. Your relationship has to be strong enough to hold all of who you are, not just the sunny stuff.

　　One reason couples don't fight is that they fear conflict ― which reflects a lack of trust and a foundation of fear. That's bad. Another reason couples avoid arguments is that they've learned that anger is unreasonable and unproductive. They've learned that arguing represents a breakdown rather than a natural part of a relationship's development. While an argument isn't pleasant, it can help both partners to articulate issues they may not have even known they had ― and help keep them from simmering until you cross a line you can't come back from.

　　10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard There are two deeply problematic attitudes about relationships I hear often. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard ― and that therefore if it's hard, it must be worth having.

　　The outcome of both views is that you don't work at your relationship. You don't work because it's supposed to be easy and therefore not need any work, or you don't work because it's supposed to be hard and it wouldn't be hard if you worked at it. In both cases, you quickly get burnt out ― either because the problems you're ignoring really don't go away just because you think they should. or because the problems you're cultivating are a constant drag on your energy. A relationship that's too much work might be suffering from one of the attitudes above, but a relationship that doesn't seem to need any work isn't any better.

　　Your choices

　　There isn't any one answer to any of the problems above. There are choices though: you can either seek out an answer, something that addresses why you are hurting your relationship, or you can resign yourself to the failure of your relationship （and maybe the next one, and the next one, and…）. Failure doesn't always mean you break up ― many people aren't that lucky. But people can live quite unhappily in failed relationships for years and even decades because they're afraid they won't find anything better, or worse, they're afraid they deserve it. Don't you be one of them ― if you suffer from any of these problems, figure out how to fix it, whether that means therapy, a solo mountain retreat, or just talking to your partner and committing yourselves to change.

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