如何提高GRE写作？歪果仁GRE写作真实点评系列分享

今天给大家讲解一篇最近我刚评分的作文。考生是一个在美国读书的中国人。英语水平基础较强，但是还是有很多可圈可点的地方。

如果大家有自己的文章需要Jennifer老师点评，可以去GRE综合交流区发布自己的文章：

本次的这篇issue的题目如下：

TOPIC: To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

考生习作如下：
To an extent, but not wholly, I find myself in harmony with the claim about getting an idea of social structure through the cities where society is built.
Cities may reperesent some charctersitics of society, but, in my opinion, major values of social heirarchy can be understood by not only including cities but also rural areas. Society is not formed by including cities only. It is the system representing varied yet uniform ideas having a common set of values. It is for their own sake, the social structure allows some form of hierarchy and we find disintegration of population for the proper functioning of this structure: The concentration of people in different areas possess varied hues, yet they represent a common ideology.

Big cities like Tokyo, Mumbai may reperesent the economic, financial prospects of their social system but may fail to encompass emotional aspects of the people. As we see commonly, for example in India, cities like Mumbai and Delhi are the ones where population density is much higher when compared to rest of India. In this environment, we can witness success, we can witness strive for growth, we can witness desire for excel, we can witness passion to perform, but what we can not witness are harmony and co-ordination among people, a sense of giving, an urge to help fellow being in the time of necessity, and like. Gujarat is one of the state in India where they have witnessed exponential growth and a strong promise for the future. Only by looking at the city of Ahmedabad, a major city and financial capital of Gujarat, one can understand on paper itself how financially strong Gujarat is: people have plenty of jobs, cotton industry is at the top, and they have best roadway infrasturture in the entire country. One might ignore the basic details about the impulse or the force which prompts Gujarat to be Gujarat. To understand this, we might have to take a detour and go back to evaluate some towns or even villages. It won't take ages to notice that White revoltuion, also known as Milk co-ordination progrm, hapening at the core, aided by rich cotton frienly soil, and a sense of harmony existing among people. This one example is enough to refute the claim presented for this task. Whenever any type of crisis occurs in any home, the whole community rises up and distribute the burden evenally on all the members; rather than solving a problem individually, social system sees it as a common problem and provides a solution. The system is based on the understanding that society is always bigger than individual and it can not go down in the wake of any unforseen event.
Emphasis is here on both cities and rural areas, as a whole. A fellow can not gauge enough only though one of them, it's pertinent to include both to get the fully formed ideology on paper rather than having it in parts. Cities promise the future and shows what lies ahead, and this foretelling comes from the hidden core values, which one can bring out in light by looking at the inferior, not so glamourous, parts of a society. When I visited Switzerland, Zurich, where I lived for most of my stay, probably answered a part of the question, which I was having in mind before going there, about the high quality of living. I witnessed show-off, hygeinic ambience, a very disciplined and punctual set of ideology making for efficeintly running system. Only when I headed to a village in the alps, comprising only four houses and a chapel, reflected another dimensions, the health, sense of belonging, and inner peace. Villagers usually works in Summer, and after having accumulated enough for the rest of year, they decide to spend rest of the time in mountains. As it happended, only by seeing Zurich, I might not elaborate much on some hidden aspects of social structure.
In conclusion, a part of understanding can be sought out by following the claim presented. To get a full understanding, we have to consider core values, as shallow, brightly looking, superficial aspects are not always enough to judge or persent a view comprehensively.

我的点评：

这篇文章总体还是不错的，可以拿到4.5，稍作修改可以上到5分。
A typical GRE Issue essay should have an introduction (full length paragraph usually with 3-6 sentences), 2-3 body paragraphs each with a different point or example, and a conclusion.一篇issue作文一般需要一个开头段，3-6句话，2-3段作为当中段落，最后一个结尾。

我觉得开头的三段可以并起来成为一段。然后在叙述中突出自己的观点，重点阐述一下。我觉得你的主题应该是 "Society is not formed by including cities only" and "Big cities like Tokyo, Mumbai may reperesent the economic, financial prospects of their social system but may fail to encompass emotional aspects of the people." 所以结构上应该再多调整一下，更完美。

文章中的例子很不错。把Mumbai to Ahmedabad and Zurich to the Alps这样做对比很恰当。另外，关于 "white revoltuion, also known as Milk co-ordination program," 这个例子应该解释说明一下，有些读者未必能理解，尤其是这个例子关系到你的主要论点。

另外文章还有一些小的语法错误，但是无伤大雅，不会很大的影响分数。比如，"following the claim presented," 应该改成"following the recommendation to look to cities to truly understand a culture."这样更好。

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