雅思写作大作文考官学生pk系列之四 人口老龄化话题

比较带有社会学意义的雅思写作话题，对涉世未深的学生来说可能难度比较大，所以，应该算是雅思作文里比较难的一道了。一起来看看吧。

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.

学生范文：

It seems to be an increasing widespread phenomenon that average life expectancy is growing. I think the results of aging populations will cause heavy burden for individuals and society.

Firstly, growing average life expectancy proves that more and more people choose not to give birth to babies. Then the industries who take babies as target consumers will bankrupt, which will lead to many individuals lost their jobs. Likely, if the school don’t have enough students,the first thing they do is to reduce some teachers. So, the teachers will lost their jobs too.

Secondly, growing aging population will cause high pressure on society because there are no young labors. Some work will not find a qualified young man, such as sport coach, tourist guide and so on. Also,government will pay more tax on the well-fare system, which supposed to be used on education or the other things. Therefore, the other fields will be influenced by lacking of financial support from government.

In order to save this problem, my suggestion is that government or media should take their responsibility to raise people’s awareness to give birth to babies. For example, government can give people allowance if they make babies. Media can encourage people by promoting TV parent-child programs, like Ba Ba Qu Na er, a popular TV programs in China.

In sum, growing aging population will cause negative effects on both individuals and society. Government and media should try their best to solve this problem.

考官范文：

It is true that people in industrialised nations can expect to live longer than ever before. Although there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of this trend, societies can take steps to mitigate these potential problems.

As people live longer and the populations of developed countries grow older, several related problems can be anticipated.The main issue is that there will obviously be more people of retirement age who will be eligible to receive a pension. The proportion of younger, workingadults will be smaller, and governments will therefore receive less money in taxes in relation to the size of the population. In other words, an ageing population will mean a greater tax burden for working adults. Further pressures will include a rise in the demand for healthcare, and the fact young adults will increasingly have to look after their elderly relatives.

There are several actions that governments could take to solve the problems described above. Firstly, a simple solution would be to increase the retirement age for working adults, perhaps from 65 to 70.Nowadays, people of this age tend to be healthy enough to continue a productive working life. A second measure would be for governments to encourage immigration in order to increase the number of working adults who pay taxes. Finally, money from national budgets will need to be taken from other areas and spent on vital healthcare, accommodation and transport facilities for the rising numbers of older citizens.

In conclusion, various measures can be taken totackle the problems that are certain to arise as the populations of countries grow older.

对比解读：

这是一道report类型的大作文，这一类型的作文通常给出一种现象，需要考生分析这种现象出现的原因，带来的影响或者提出解决的办法。在雅思考官的范文中，我们可以看到这一类型文章的结构基本上分为4个部分：开头，解释原因，提出解决方法，总结。在考生的例文中，虽然解释原因分为了两段，但总的结构还是比较清晰的，那么它的主要问题在哪里?我们现在就来分析一下。

首先，这篇作文的出现了一些中国考生常犯的语法错误。比如will 后面需要接动词的原型，“the teachers will lost their jobs too” 中的lost 需要用到它的原型lose，这些是一些最基本的语法问题，如果这样的情况出现比较多，作文就不太可能会拿高分了。另外，Lead to 也是考生们常用的短语，但是要注意，这个短语后面只能是名词或动名词，或者是lead sb. to do sth.，在例文中的句子可以改成lead to rise in unemployment。

这篇考生作文还出现了一个整体的问题，即用词都比较单一且偏中式。例如在提到“失业”这个问题时，考生一直在用lost 这个单词，这就暴露了考生词汇使用的局限性，如果能用同义词(unemployed, laid-off, be fired)的词汇进行替换的话，能为考生的文章增加亮点，提高分数。对于一些比较简单的词比如give，考生也可以尝试使用offer, reward, provide等词，增加词汇使用的多样性。同时，句子多样性也会为考生的作文加分。例如考生例文中的 “governmentcan give people allowance if they make babies”, 可以改成 “people who give birth to babies will be rewarded by the government”，这样就增加了被动句的使用。

值得考生注意是，与口语不同，作文要求的是书面的语言，书面语言的特点就是用词严谨，避免使用口语中粗俗的语言，或者一些“简单粗暴”的直白翻译，例如这篇考生作文中出现的“make babies”，很明显就是对中文的直译，出现在雅思作文里是非常不合适的。另外，雅思作文中不提倡使用缩略的形式，像don’t 需要换成do not，can’t 使用cannot，保证了书面语言的严谨性。由于雅思主要是英式英语，考生在拼写中最好使用英式拼写(labor-labour)。

与之对比的考官范文无论是用词上还是句子结构上都体现了多变的特点。例如，题目中life expectancy 就被考官换成了expect to live longer than ever before，用在了第一段的背景介绍中。同时expect这个词在第二次出现的时候被anticipate替代了。考生们常用的solve只出现了一次，其余的都被tackle, mitigate 替代了。同时，考官使用的句子结构比较复杂并且多样化一些，比如这一句“The main issue is that there will obviously be more people of retirement age who will be eligible to receive a pension.” that从句中再套了一个从句，形成了一个复杂句，让考官的作文看起来“高大上”。当然这并不是说考生在写作文时都要用很长的复杂句，最重要的一点还是在于不要出现太多的语法错误，在此基础上再追求句式的多变。

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