How Could Anything That Feels So Bad Be So Good？
Maybe it is time to adopt a new strategy in trying to figure out1 why life today is so difficult， and what can be done about it. Assume that not only are things often not what they seem， they may be just the opposite of what they seem. When it comes to human affairs， everything is paradoxical2.
People are discontented these days， for example， not because things are worse than ever， but because things are better than ever. Take marriage. In California there are about six divorces for every ten marriages――even higher in some of the better communities. One must admit that a good deal of discontent is reflected in those statistics. But the explanation so frequently offered――that the institution of marriage is in a state of collapse――simply does not hold. Marriage has never been more popular and desirable than it is now， so appealing3 in fact， that even those who are in the process of divorce can scarcely4 wait for the law to allow them to marry again.
The problem is that people have never before entered marriage with the high expectations they now hold. Throughout history， the family has been a vital unit for survival， starting as a defense system for physical survival， and gradually becoming a unit for economic survival. Now， of course， the family has become a physical and economic liability5 rather than an asset6. Having met， as a society， the basic survival and security needs， people simply don't need each other anymore to spin7 yarn or wash dishes or repair electrical plugs8 for that matter. The bonds of marriage and family life are no longer functional9， but affectional10. People used to come to love each other because they needed each other. Now it's just the other way around11. They need each other because they love each other.
Listening to the complaints of those recently divorced， one seldom hears of brutality12 and desertion13， but usually something like， " We just don't communicate very well" ， " The educational differences between us were simply too great to overcome" ， " I felt trapped in the relationship" ，" He won't let me be me" ， " We don't have much in common anymore" . These complaints are interesting， because they reflect high-order discontent resulting from the failure of marriage to meet the great expectations held for it. Couples now expect――and demand――communication and understanding， shared values and goals， intellectual companionship， great moments of intimacy. By and large14， marriage today actually does deliver such moments， but as a result couples have gone on to burden the relationship with even greater demands. To some extent it has been the success of marriage that has created the discontent.
The disturbing15 paradox of social change is that improvement brings the need for more improvement in constantly accelerating demands. So，compared to what used to be， society is way16 ahead； compared to what might be， it is way behind. Society is enabled to feel that conditions are rotten17， because they are actually so good.
Another problem is that everything is temporary， nothing lasts. We have grown up with the idea that in order to develop personal security we need stability， roots， consistency18， and familiarity. Yet we live in a world， which in every respect19 is continually changing. Changes are coming fast and faster―― in a sense20 change has become a way of life. The only people who will live successfully in tomorrow's world are those who can accept and enjoy temporary systems.
Instead of trying to reduce the discontent felt， try to raise the level or quality of the discontent. Perhaps the most that can be hoped for is to have high-order discontent in today's society， discontent about things that really matter.
为什么今天的生活如此艰辛？做些什么才能摆脱生活的艰辛？采取一种新的策略来搞清上述问题，或许是时候了。想来，世事不仅经常不是其表面看起来的样子，而且也许与其表面看起来的正好相反。人间事务尤其如此――似非而是。
比方说，近来人们很不满足、牢骚满腹，这倒不是因为事情比以往更糟糕，而是比以往更美好。就拿婚姻来说吧，在加利福尼亚，每10对夫妇就有6对离婚，而在条件更好的社区，离婚率甚至更高。不得不承认的是，这其中反映出大量不满足困素。对此，经常有这样的解释：婚姻体系在崩溃瓦解。但这种解释完全站不住脚，因为婚姻在现在比在以往任何时候更深得人心、更令人心驰神往。事实上，婚姻魅力诱人，甚至那些正在打离婚的人，几乎迫不及待地要求法律准许他们再次结婚。
问题是以往人们结婚时，从未抱有像现在这样高的期望。从古至今，家庭一直是人们得以生存的重要单位――刚开始，家庭是一种防御体系，使人们在物质上得以存活；逐渐地，家庭变成了一个单元，使人们在经济上得以生存。而当今，家庭无论在物质上，还是在经济上都理所当然地成为一种责任，而不是共同利益。作为一个社会群体中的人们，在其基本的生存与安全需要得到满足之后，自然而然地，也不再彼此需要来纺纱、洗碗碟或修电源插头了。这时，婚姻及家庭生活的纽带不再具有实用功能，而具有了沟通情感的作用。过去，人们常常是由于彼此需要才相爱；而现在，正好相反，人们因为相爱才彼此需要。
听那些最近离婚的人诉说苦衷，很难听到"暴力"及"遗弃"的字眼，却经常听到如下的表述："我们只是无法很好的交流"；"我们之间的教育差别太大了，无法克服"；"我感到婚姻关系把我束缚住了"；"他不让我成为本来的我"；"我们不再有什么共同语言了".这些苦衷很有意思，因为它们反映的是高层次的不满足感，其根源是婚姻未能满足人们所持有的万般伟大期望。现在，双方期望并要求交流和理解、共享价值观与目标、精神相伴以及亲密时刻的长久与美妙。总的来说，今日的婚姻确实使人享有了这样的时刻。但回过头来，双方甚至用更大的要求，继续给婚姻关系加码。在某种程度上，婚姻的成功正是在于其所创造的不满足感。
似非而是的社会变更中，令人不安的因素是：改进带来的是对更多的改进的需要，这种需要不断地呈加速趋势。所以，与过去的情况相比，社会大大地前进了；与可能出现的局面相比，社会却大大地退步了。社会使人感到各种情况都糟透了，正是因为实际上它们如此美好的缘故。
另外一个存在的问题是所有一切都是暂时的，没有什么东西是持久永恒的。我们是怀着这种想法长大的：为了个人的安全感，我们需要稳定，牢固，恒久以及相知。然而，我们生活的世界，无论从哪一方面来说，都是在不断变化的。变化降临得越来越快，从某种意义上说，变化已经成为一种生活方式。在明日的世界中，只有那些能够接受并享受暂时性的人们才能成功地生活。
不要力求去减少人们的不满足感，而要尽力提高不满足感的水平和质量。或许，在当今的社会中，人们能够最多希望的就是要产生高层次的不满足感――对于真正重要的事情所产生的不满足感。
注释：
1.figure out 想出，理解，搞清
2.paradoxical adj.似非而是的
3.appealing adj.动人的，吸引人的
4.scarcely adv.几乎不，简直不
5.liability n.责任，义务，倾向
6.asset n.（有交换价值的）所有物，利益
7.spin vt.纺
8.plug n.插头，插座
9.functional adj.实用的
10.affectional adj.感情方面的
11.the other way around 相反地，倒过来
12.brutality n.暴行
13.desertion n.离弃
14.by and large 大体上，总的说来
15.disturbing adj.引起烦恼的，令人不安的
16.way adv.远远地，大大地，非常
17.rotten adj.令人极不愉快的，极不幸的
18.consistency n.一贯，前后一致
19.in every respect 无论从哪一方面，在各方面
20.in a sense 从某种意义上说
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