我为什么希望有个老婆？

　　I belong to that classification of people known as wives. I am a Wife. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a mother.

　　Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his ex-wife. He is looking for another wife. As I thought about him while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have a wife. Why do I want a wife?

　　I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically independent, support myself, and if need be, support those dependent upon me, I want a wife who will work and send me to school. And while I am going to school I want a wife to take care of my children. I want a wife to keep track of the children's doctor and dentist appointments. And to keep track of mine, too. I want a wife who will wash the children's clothes and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturant attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling, makes sure that they have an adequate social life with their peers, takes them to the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children need special care, because, of cause, I cannot miss classes at school. My wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It may mean a small cut in my wife's income from time to time, but I guess I can tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and pay for the care of the children while my wife is working.

　　I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children, a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation so that somesone can aomtinue to care for me and my children when I need a rest and change of scene.

　　I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a wife's duties. But I want a wife who will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather difficult point I have come across in my course of studies. And I want a wife who type my papers for me when I have written them.

　　I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social life. When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who will take care of the babysitting arrangements. When I meet people at school that I like who will have the house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends, and not interrupt when I talk about things that interest me and my friends. I want a wife who will have arranged that the children are fed and ready for bed before my guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. I want a wife who takes care of the needs of my guests so that they feel comfortable, who makes sure that they have an sahtray, that they are offered a second helping of the food, that their wine glasses are replenished when necessary, that their coffee is served to them as they like it. And I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by myself.

　　I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife who makes love passionately and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who makes sure that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not demand sexual attention when I am not in the mood for it. I want a wife who assumes the complete responsibility for birth control, because I do not want more children. I want a wife who will remain sexually faithful to me so that I do not have to clutter up my intellectual life with jealousies. And I want a wife who understands that my sexual needs may entail more than strict adherence to monogamy. I must, after all, be able to relate to people as fully as possible.

　　If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a wife than the wife I already have, I have the liberty to replace my present wife with another one. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my wife will take the children and be solely responsible for them so that I am left free.

　　When I am through with school and have a job, I want my wife to quit working and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and completely take care of a wife's duties.

　　My God, who wouldn't want a wife?

　　我属于人称老婆的那一类人，我是一个老婆。而且， 并非偶然，我还是一个母亲。

　　不久前，我的一位新近离了婚的男性朋友出现在我的面前。他曾有过一个孩子，当然，孩子跟了他的前妻，他正在为自己重新物色一个老婆。一天傍晚慰衣服时，我想到了他。我突然萌发了我自己也要找一个老婆的念头。我为什么希望有个老婆呢？

　　我要重返校园，接受教育，以便能够经济独立，自食其力，必要时还能养活那些要赖我维生的人。我要找一个有一份工作并愿意送我上学的老婆。我希望有一个能够随时注意与孩子的医生或者牙医取得联系的老婆。我希望有一个能够保证孩子饮食得当、衣着整洁的老婆。我希望有一个能够替孩子缝补清洗衣服的老婆。我希望有一个能辅导孩子功课，安排其学业，保证其与同学们有足够的社交时间并能带他们逛公园、动物园等的老婆。一个当孩子需要特别照护时，能挤出时间陪伴其左右的老婆。因为我在学校的功课自然是耽误不得的。我的老婆须得有个妥善的安排，上下班要迟到早退，但又不能丢了工作，这意味着我老婆的收入有时会被扣掉些许，不过我想这一点我还是能够容忍的。不用说，我老婆上班时会把花钱找人看孩子的事安排好的。

　　我希望有一个能照料我身体需要的老婆。我希望有一个能够保持房间整洁的老婆。一个孩子们在前面乱丢乱扔她也在后面拾掇的老婆。我希望有一个能够把我的衣服洗得干干净净、慰得平平整整、缝补得完完好好，必要时还能够替我添置新衣服的老婆。我希望有一个能替我做饭而且烹调技术还很不错的老婆。我希望有一个会计划菜谱、采购必备食品、做好饭菜、笑脸侍应，然后我去学习时能够洗碗刷锅的老婆。我希望有一个我生病时能关心我，而且对我的病痛和耽误的学习有同情心的老婆。我希望有一个能够随全家一起度假的老婆，这样当我需要休息和移换地方时，有人能继续照料我和孩子。

　　我希望有这样一个老婆，她不会喋喋不休地抱怨做妻子的义务来烦扰我。 可当我感到需要解释我在学习中遇到难点时，我希望有一个能洗耳恭听的老婆。我希望有一个在我写完论文之后能替我打字的老婆。

　　我希望有一个对我的社交生活关照入微的老婆。当我和老婆应朋友之邀外出时，我希望有一个能对一切做出保姆般安排的老婆。当我在学校遇到喜欢的人想要款待时，我希望有这样一个老婆，她会把房子收拾得干干净净，会烧出一桌特别的美味佳肴，款待我和我的朋友们，当我们谈到彼此感兴趣的事情时她不会打断我们的雅兴。我希望有这样一个老婆，在我的客人们到来之前，为了不让孩子们打搅我们，她已经妥为安排，让孩子们吃过饭准备睡觉了。我希望有这样一个老婆，她能照料好客人的一应需求，使他们有一种宾至如归的感觉，她要确保他们有烟缸可用，能为他们送上餐前小吃，为他们添饭加菜，必要时还要替他们把酒杯加斟满，还要按照客人的口味给他们冲咖啡。而且我希望有一个能理解我有时需要独自外宿不归的老婆。

　　我希望有一个对我的性要求反应敏感的老婆，一个当我有性要求时能充满激情如饥似渴地与我做爱的老婆，一个能确实能让我得到满足的老婆。当然，我也希望有一个在我没有兴致时不主动提出性要求的老婆。我希望有一个能负起计划生育全部责任的老婆，因为我不想要更多的孩子了。我希望有一个对我性专一的老婆，这样我就不会因为争风吃醋而影响学业了。我还希望有这样一个老婆，她对我在性需求方面可能不会老老实实地严格遵守一夫一妻制能够表示理解。毕竟，我必须能够与尽可能多的人保持关系。

　　如果我偶然碰上一个比我现在的老婆更合适做老婆的人，我希望有休掉现在的老婆、重新另娶一个的自由。自然，我向往过一种新鲜的生活；我的老婆将抚养孩子，对他们全权负责。这样，我就可以无牵无挂。

　　当我完成学业找到一份工作后，我希望我的老婆辞掉工作留在家里，以便能够更全身心地尽做老婆的本分。

　　我的天啦，谁不希望有一个老婆呢？（李井岗 译注）

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