English Humor Part 4

Jim at SeaJim worked as a cabin-boy on a small steamer. One morning he broke a coffeepot and threw it into the sea. When he brought in breakfast for the captain, he said, “May I ask you a question, sir?”“Of course, you may,” said the captain, “What is it?”“Is it a thing lost if you know where it is?” said Jim.“Of course it isn't,” said the captain.“Then your coffee-pot isn't lost, sir, because I know where it is,” said Jim with a smile.“Where is it?” asked the captain.“At the bottom of the sea.” said Jim.　A Farmer and a VetFarmer Jones was known to be stingy. He met the local vet in front of the courthouse. Here was the chance. He could get some free advice.“Doctor,” he said, “I've got a peculiar horse. Sometimes he walks normally. At other times he limps. What should I do?”The vet told him, “Next time he walks normally, sell him!”　You Are the FifthA man saw a fisherman standing in the lake with a mirror. “Excuse me,” he said. “What are you doing?”“Fishing,” the fisherman replied.“With a mirror?” the man asked, surprise.“Sure-it's a new invention. I am going to make a fortune.”“Could you tell how it works?”“Okay, but is will cost you $10.”To satisfy his curiousity, the man handed the fisherman the money. “Now show me how it works,” he said.“Well,” the fisherman began, “you aim the mirror into the water, and when a fish goes by, you startle him with rays of light reflected from the mirror. The fish gets confused and then you grab it.”The man was greatly surprised. “Don't tell me that how you fish. It's ridiculous! How many have you caught?”“You are the fifth today!” replied the fisherman with a smile.　A Smart HorseA cowboy fell off his horse and broke his leg way out on the prairie. The steed grabbed his master's belt in his teeth, carried him to shelter and then went to fetch the doctor.Talking it over a few weeks later, a friend praised the horse's intelligence. “Heck, he's so smart,” replied the cowboy. “He came back with the veterinarian.”　Outside and InsideTeacher: Arthur, if you had three apples and ate one, how many would you have?Arther: Three.Teacher: Three?Arthur: Yes, Two outside and one inside.　The City Man and the Mountain ManA city man was on holidays in the mountains. He got talking to a local man and was very impressed by the mountain man's common sense. He suggested they play a game. “We will ask each other questions,” he said, “and the person who can't answer pays a dollar.” The mountain man thought about this for a few minutes, then pointed out that the city man was more educated and experienced. He said it would be fairer if the city man paid a dollar and he pays only 50 cents. The city man agreed.“What has three legs and can fly?” asked the mountain man. Minutes passed while the city man racked his brain for an answer. “I don't know,” he finally said. “Here is your dollar.”Then he asked the same question: “What has three legs and can fly?”“Darned if I know,” said the mountain man. “Here is your 50 cents.”　Welcome to Come BackA tourist saw a road sign that read “No through Way. Please Go Another Way.” He looked ahead and saw nothing wrong at all. He decided to go on, thinking the sign was a kind of joke. After a while he saw a broken bridge and had to turn back. When he came to the sign on the road, he saw these words on its backside: “Welcome to Come Back. You Fool!”　The Rope and the WeatherBoy: What are you doing with that piece of rope?Old-timer: This is a weather gauge, my son.Boy: How do you tell the weather with a piece of rope?Old-timer: It's simple. When it swings back and forth it windy. When it gets wet, it's raining.　I'll Take the Other OneIf you think prices are too high you can follow the example of one American woman. At a fruit shop the price of oranges was marked as two for 35 cents.The woman asked how much one orange was. “18 cents.” was the answer. “Then,” the woman said, “I'll take the other one!”　A Silly HusbandNurse: Oh, Professor, guess what?Professor: Why are you so excited, nurse?Nurse: You have just become the father of a baby boy!Professor: Well, don't tell my wife. I want to surprise her.　Is Your Wife at Home Now?The boss arrived at his office with a terrible headache. “That's funny, boss.” Commented an employee. “A few days ago, I had a terrible headache too, but it didn't last long. My wife pulled me over the sofa, gave me a big hug and a kiss, My headache went away.”The boss put on his hat. “I've tried everything else,” he muttered. “Is your wife at home now?”　I Shoot Them AllTom: I used to shoot tigers in Africa.Jack: Nonsense! There are no tigers in Africa.Tom: Right you are. I shoot them all!　Women and Credit CardsTwo men were getting ready to leave a pub. “You can't live with them and you can't live without them,” one of the men grumbled. “That's the way women are, pal,” agreed the other.“Who said anything about women?” snarled the first man. “I'm talking about credit cards.”

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